Niall: The Movie

About a year ago I wrote a screenplay about myself in a bout of gratuitous narcissism and sent it to Robert Rodriguez. He liked it but thought there were some things that could be improved to better fit his "style". So with a few small adjustments it was greenlit by Troublemaker Studios.

Although some of it was changed, I got to pick the actor who would play me which is good because in my mind there is only one man for the role and after a string of shitty action and sci-fi movies this was just the thing he was looking for.

I've seen the trailer, but because it has yet to be released I can't show it to you. So I'll describe what happens instead.

It starts with a sweeping shot of the Melbourne city skyline, accompanied by Nicolas Cage as me in a voiceover.
Nicolas Cage as me (v.o.): All my life I've been influenced by the people around me. My parents...
Cut to Samuel L. Jackson teaching a young version of me how to ride a bicycle.
Samuel L. Jackson: Enough is enough! I've had it with these motherfucking training wheels on this motherfucking bike! Get my screwdriver, son! It's the one that says Bad Motherfucker!
Nicolas Cage as me (v.o.): I had part time jobs...
Cut to Cheech Marin training Nicolas Cage as me in a Mexican restaraunt.
Cheech Marin: This is how you wrap a burrito.
Shot of Cheech Marin shooting a guy in the face.
Cheech Marin: Your order is up, muchacho!
Nicolas Cage as me (v.o.): I went to school.
Cut to Nicolas Cage as me and Leonardo DiCaprio sitting at a desk, shot on location at Camberwell Grammar School.
Leonardo DiCaprio: I can teach you how to mould your dreams into creative inspiration for zany blog posts.
Cut to Nicolas Cage as me sitting in a bar with Matt Damon.
Matt Damon: As your best friend I think we should start a blog together.
Cut to Nicolas Cage as me kneeling over Matt Damon's dead body.
Nicolas Cage as me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
In comes that epic, intermittent horn blare from the Inception trailer.
In the next shot Nicolas Cage as me is fighting Danny Trejo with a machete.
Cut to Tommy Lee Jones staring out a window from his office at the top of a skyscraper. He turns around to face his minions who are sitting around a big table.
Tommy Lee Jones: That's it. We gotta shut that guy down...
Various shots of Nicolas Cage as me in car chases, fighting people, jumping from a helicopter while Danny Trejo shoots at Nicolas Cage as me.
Cut to Nicolas Cage as me in a hotel room with Jessica Alba, who is loading a suppressed weapon.
Jessica Alba: I think we should be partners.
Nicolas Cage as me: One thing you should know about me is...
The music cuts out in preparation for the coming epic line.
Nicolas Cage as me: ...I always work alone.
The music returns with more intensity and there are more shots of me fighting people, chasing people in speed boats, punching Enrique Inglesias in the face.
Cut to Alan Tudyk staring at a computer screen. Nicolas Cage as me and Jessica Alba are also looking at the screen.
Alan Tudyk: We need to hack the mainframe.
Cheech Marin blows the computer away with a shotgun.
Cheech Marin: You've just been quaeadilleted, amigo!
The title of the movie - Niall: The Movie - fades into view.

And that's it. Expect it in cinemas next Summer.

In the meantime I'm going to do that Wondermart thing for 'Script for Performance'. It's a recording that you put on your Ipod and then you go to a supermarket and do what it tells you. It sounds like a quick way to get arrested but I'll do it so that I can blog about it I guess.

My cat's face is still gross. I want to put a bag over its head.

The end.