Attack of the AIDS Robots

Big night last night, featuring beers, gambling, apple martinis, drunken Hungry Jacks runs, Poker, more beers and an univited appearance by religion. I was waiting outside Flinders St for about half an hour waiting for the others and this old guy was preaching his ass off about repentance and the end of the world and all that shit and this other guy offered me a pamphlet with pictures of crosses and Jesus and clouds. He was like "I couldn't help but notice you were watching the sermon" and it didn't occur to me to point out that I had no choice. He asked me what my opinion was on Christianity and I shrugged and told him not much. "You don't believe in Heaven and Hell. You think when we die we go six feet under and that's it?"
"Sadly yes."

Because my belief in an afterlife is like my belief in Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny in that it's pretty thin.

He launched into this rant on how Jesus is great because he was forgiving and he went around spreading hope and the belief that there's more to life than taxes and marriage and how if you're good you go to Heaven etc. It's not that I hate people who preach at me so much as it's just that I find it really boring, like talking to people fifty plus years old than me. The generation gap is too big for us to have anything interesting to say to each other, and in this case I hold no stock in a conversation about how much the other party in said conversation loves a man with a beard and holes in his hands.

That doesn't mean what he said didn't speak to me. No, it gave me a lot to think about - not about God, but about how neat it would be to start my own religion. I'm not really sure how it works. Do you have to register it like a company or do you start off as a cult and work your way up. Well I've given it some thought and I think I've come up with what could be the next big belief. Hopefully once I've finished the pamphlets I can spread the word like wildfire. In the meantime, this blog will serve as the very first Niallologist sermon.

It starts with Robots, because every good cult/religion/mental illness must have robots. The Robots in this case are giant AIDS carrying machines manufactured by an alien race which was subsequently wiped out by an AIDS epidemic brought on by the AIDS robots. Master-less and left free to roam the universe, the AIDS robots are on their way to Earth to annihalate all of us in a similar fashion. How do I know all this? Because I have psychic powers, duh. And you can too if you join my religion. You also get an immunity to AIDS as an added bonus. All you have to do is join me in a special ceremony in which we light scented candles - chocolate, lavender, French vanilla - and hold hands for about thirty minutes in silent meditation. We hum some kind of weird mantra and viola! You're an AIDS-vaccinated telepath. But the fun doesn't stop there because at this early stage your psychic powers are very weak and you need to build and shape them to become a powerful AIDS wizard like me. There are several ways to do this, including:

• Sending me lots and lots of cheques
• Massaging my feet
• Doing my housework
• Buying me shit
• And any other favour you can think of

I guarantee you'll be a powerful telepath in no more than ten years. Thus, when the AIDS robots get here you'll be able to survive the apocalypse and together we will rebuild. I'm already designing my ruler's outfit, which is basically a purple toga and a dazzling gold crown with rubies and stuff in it.

I hope I sound absolutely insane, because otherwise this will never leave the ground. I guess what I'm going to have to do is start on the internet (which I just did), because the internet is a breeding ground for the bizarre. Then, once it goes viral, I'll stand outside Flinder's St station, blabbing on about what I've just blabbed on about in this post, handing out pamphlets with a picture of me in a toga and "Niallology: the path to reading minds and not getting AIDS" spelled out in an epic font at the top. Hopefully people will see me and be like "Hey! It's that guy from the internet!" and buy into the crap I'm selling like the mindless automatons they are.

I'm so excited, I can't wait.

Join the Church of Niallology today.

Disclaimer: This post is solely for the purposes of eliminating my boredom and is not intended as a stab at religion. It doesn't matter what faith you belong to, be it Christianity, Catholocism, Buddhism, Hinduism, Judaism, Islam, the one John Travolta likes to talk about, Matrixism (which is actually a thing), Niallology, Protestantism, Jehova's Witnessism, Jedi or whatever - if it makes you happy and helps you make sense of the world than go for it.