Well look at me listening to Linkin Park like some misunderstood teen, dying my hair black and slitting my wrists while thinking about how much I hate my step dad or whatever. I used to love this band. I was like eleven and I was into Linkin Park and Evanescence and Good Charlotte. Wow...
Today's topic is the second half of Eurovision. I never got around to reviewing semi-final 2 because I was busy fuming at the Australian media spoiling the winner. Seriously, you bunch of footy-loving, kangaroo-shooting, billabong camping fuckwits, some of us don't want the winner spoiled so please, next time, DON'T put it all over the TV. I only had to glance in the direction of a screen at my gym to see that Sweden was the winner. Although I'm not surprised, since they were awesome. They had that song that went like "EUUUPPHOORRRIAAA! SOMETHING SOMETHING SOMETHING OF TIME!" And there was a ninja at the end who came on and nearly kicked the gold robes lady in the head. Also it was snowing or some shit. I was sold from the moment they came on stage and I'm not surprised they won by more than fifty points.
As it turned out Russia did extremely well, which is great because those fine dames worked their hips out of joint to entertain us with their song about...what was it about? They were holding a tray of cookies and singing about partying. So maybe they were saying that their baking is so good it makes people dance. Whatever the case, there must have been something nice in those cookies because they were clearly having a wonderful time. The little one waving her arms around was just adorable, like a baby goblin demanding a hug.
Two other memorable acts were Greece and Cyprus. Sure, the music was good and I came for that, but I stayed for the sexiest lead singers their countries had to offer. Makes me want to go to Europe. Ms. Greece had legs like...
like...
...well you know what legs looks like.
As usual Britain got no points. They seem to treat Eurovision like paying a bill or something that needs to be done before a certain date. They just don't put any effort into it and hence they're consistently awful. At least they had an excuse this year. The Olympics are coming up and it just so happens London's been picked. So they're probably busy knocking down council flats and mosques to make way for this tremendous event. In all seriousness I hope it goes swimmingly. On a scale of Munich to Sydney (which is my personal favourite) I hope it's up the Sydney end. Go Brits.
Tuesday, 29 May 2012
Friday, 25 May 2012
Eurovision (Part 1)
It's that time of year again!
Today's topic is Eurovision. In case you've been living under a rock or have been cyrogenically frozen for centuries, the Eurovision Song Contest is huge music competition and a chance for Europe to demonstrate its diversity through the power of song. It's kind of like if the world wars were fought with music and strange outfits instead of, you know, guns and shit. I tune in every year because you never quite know what you're going to get. It's like they go around lifting rocks and digging under every nook and cranny to find the weirdest musicians that quirky continent has to offer, and usually there will be at least one or two bands that have me shaking my head in wonder and marvelling at how crazy the world can be.
Last night I caught the first semi-final. This year the competition is set in Baku, since Azerbaijan won last year with that song that goes "UH UH UH OH OH UH UH OH" or something like that. I didn't really watch it last year because no one was particularly interesting. But this year I was pulled back into the frontlines of musical hilarity right off the bat, with three performances I think are worth mentioning directly.
Wait, make that four performances. I just remembered another one.
Israel - the girl on the keyboard was clearly pissed. I tip my hat to her for discovering the best way just to get through the night.
Russia - the seven oldest women in Russia sang a song about partying. Even the paramedics standing by the stage were dancing.
Ireland - two twins with ADHD, dressed up like anime characters, dancing like anime characters. Seriously, where do they find these people???
Austria: A rap band called Trackshittaz, which is funny enough. But the absolute best thing about these guys is that they were apparently rapping in Austrian and yet every word sounded kind of like an English swearword, even though it supposedly wasn't.
I also love how Azerbaijan seemed to run out of famous landmarks to advertise between performances after about performance five. I suspected that they'd already covered every square metre of their adorable little nation once they started showing shots of "radio tower". Tonight we can probably expect them to give us beautiful, jaw-dropping footage of "post office" and "John's house" and "car park".
Today's topic is Eurovision. In case you've been living under a rock or have been cyrogenically frozen for centuries, the Eurovision Song Contest is huge music competition and a chance for Europe to demonstrate its diversity through the power of song. It's kind of like if the world wars were fought with music and strange outfits instead of, you know, guns and shit. I tune in every year because you never quite know what you're going to get. It's like they go around lifting rocks and digging under every nook and cranny to find the weirdest musicians that quirky continent has to offer, and usually there will be at least one or two bands that have me shaking my head in wonder and marvelling at how crazy the world can be.
Last night I caught the first semi-final. This year the competition is set in Baku, since Azerbaijan won last year with that song that goes "UH UH UH OH OH UH UH OH" or something like that. I didn't really watch it last year because no one was particularly interesting. But this year I was pulled back into the frontlines of musical hilarity right off the bat, with three performances I think are worth mentioning directly.
Wait, make that four performances. I just remembered another one.
Israel - the girl on the keyboard was clearly pissed. I tip my hat to her for discovering the best way just to get through the night.
Russia - the seven oldest women in Russia sang a song about partying. Even the paramedics standing by the stage were dancing.
Ireland - two twins with ADHD, dressed up like anime characters, dancing like anime characters. Seriously, where do they find these people???
Austria: A rap band called Trackshittaz, which is funny enough. But the absolute best thing about these guys is that they were apparently rapping in Austrian and yet every word sounded kind of like an English swearword, even though it supposedly wasn't.
I also love how Azerbaijan seemed to run out of famous landmarks to advertise between performances after about performance five. I suspected that they'd already covered every square metre of their adorable little nation once they started showing shots of "radio tower". Tonight we can probably expect them to give us beautiful, jaw-dropping footage of "post office" and "John's house" and "car park".
Wednesday, 23 May 2012
Script for Performance: The Epic Climax
At last the end has come and gone,
for performance writing 101.
They organised a reading night,
much to everyone's delight.
Everyone, that is, except for me,
I'd have stayed home happily.
But I dragged my lazy arse out of bed,
so that my shitty monologue could be read.
The other students were diverse,
impressing with each awesome verse.
There were plays about romance and some about rape.
A guy was wearing masking tape.
I noticed lots of gimmicks and tricks,
at which point I was shitting bricks.
All I had was an A4 sheet,
Lying underneath my seat.
Eventually they announced my turn,
I felt my cheeks begin to burn.
I clumsily opened my awful script,
and cursed aloud when it nearly ripped.
Afterwards I felt depressed.
The whole thing was a fucking mess.
I'd like to say I kept my pride,
but that part of me also died.
At the end they clapped politely,
I think I might have pissed myself slightly.
I left the stage and sat back down,
..."David" is a proper noun...?
The worst part of the night by far,
was the lack of any kind of bar.
Perhaps my reading might not have stunk,
if I'd been completely drunk.
By the way I should mention that,
if you're wondering what happened to Frankencat,
he got all creative and moved to L.A.
He's currently directing his very own play.
This flow of ideas is starting to pass.
(I pulled that last stanza out of my arse).
I'll post again when there's something to say.
Thank you so much and have a nice day.
for performance writing 101.
They organised a reading night,
much to everyone's delight.
Everyone, that is, except for me,
I'd have stayed home happily.
But I dragged my lazy arse out of bed,
so that my shitty monologue could be read.
The other students were diverse,
impressing with each awesome verse.
There were plays about romance and some about rape.
A guy was wearing masking tape.
I noticed lots of gimmicks and tricks,
at which point I was shitting bricks.
All I had was an A4 sheet,
Lying underneath my seat.
Eventually they announced my turn,
I felt my cheeks begin to burn.
I clumsily opened my awful script,
and cursed aloud when it nearly ripped.
Afterwards I felt depressed.
The whole thing was a fucking mess.
I'd like to say I kept my pride,
but that part of me also died.
At the end they clapped politely,
I think I might have pissed myself slightly.
I left the stage and sat back down,
..."David" is a proper noun...?
The worst part of the night by far,
was the lack of any kind of bar.
Perhaps my reading might not have stunk,
if I'd been completely drunk.
By the way I should mention that,
if you're wondering what happened to Frankencat,
he got all creative and moved to L.A.
He's currently directing his very own play.
This flow of ideas is starting to pass.
(I pulled that last stanza out of my arse).
I'll post again when there's something to say.
Thank you so much and have a nice day.
Monday, 21 May 2012
Niall's Music
Attention Nickleback fans, your fandom is misplaced. Switch to good music today and discover the reason why music exists. But to be fair, although Nickleback sounds like some lizard vomiting into a microphone, it gets much worse. I keep hearing rumours of something called One Direction. They are apparently a group of serial killers whose M.O. is to torture people to death through sound. The only way to survive their reign of terror is to keep the radio switched off and stay away from the internet. Since I don't use a radio and I blog telepathically, I have all bases covered. But if you're reading this from a computer, then I suggest you to finish reading and then throw your computer away. If you do that you might stand a chance. Also, keep away from TV, particularly breakfast shows who like to have awful musicians as guests, the kind of artists who are happy to get up at the crack of dawn to go on TV and have a superficial conversation with Kerri-Anne or Koshawhatshisface.
Don't be afraid to cut yourself off from today's music. I'm trapped somewhere between the 60s and about 2004 and I couldn't be happier. I'll admit "Call Me Maybe" is a genius song, because it bores its way into your brain and literally takes over, manipulating your hands into logging onto the Itunes store and downloading it. But I'm also happy to say it hasn't possessed me yet. I had no idea who One Direction was until I contacted the asylum they escaped from, and I have no idea who Calvin Harris is, or what a Flo Rida is. Is that a new kind of pants? I'm familiar with Nero, but only because they won't stop playing that shit at work. I actually like them, which is a testimony to why my musical taste makes no sense.
Before you label me a music snob, understand that I hate old tunes as well. Queen fucking sucks. It's true. Wait, that doesn't help me at all does it...
But I like a wide range of genres. I don't just listen to metal, or nineties alternative rock, or Daniel Johnston, who falls into the genre Schizophrenic People Who Play Out of Tune Guitars and Sing Like They're Suffering A Stroke. My taste in music is like a guy in a downpour with a big umbrella who's willing to share it with everyone except One Direction...and Justin Beiber...and Nicky Minaj...and Hansen...and...
...well there's only so much umbrella to go around.
Don't be afraid to cut yourself off from today's music. I'm trapped somewhere between the 60s and about 2004 and I couldn't be happier. I'll admit "Call Me Maybe" is a genius song, because it bores its way into your brain and literally takes over, manipulating your hands into logging onto the Itunes store and downloading it. But I'm also happy to say it hasn't possessed me yet. I had no idea who One Direction was until I contacted the asylum they escaped from, and I have no idea who Calvin Harris is, or what a Flo Rida is. Is that a new kind of pants? I'm familiar with Nero, but only because they won't stop playing that shit at work. I actually like them, which is a testimony to why my musical taste makes no sense.
Before you label me a music snob, understand that I hate old tunes as well. Queen fucking sucks. It's true. Wait, that doesn't help me at all does it...
But I like a wide range of genres. I don't just listen to metal, or nineties alternative rock, or Daniel Johnston, who falls into the genre Schizophrenic People Who Play Out of Tune Guitars and Sing Like They're Suffering A Stroke. My taste in music is like a guy in a downpour with a big umbrella who's willing to share it with everyone except One Direction...and Justin Beiber...and Nicky Minaj...and Hansen...and...
...well there's only so much umbrella to go around.
Sunday, 20 May 2012
Another Rage
Let me start by saying that what we need is another original, mindblowing television program. I'm so sick of crime dramas, whether it's a Law and/or Order or NCSI Miami: Criminal Bones Mentalist. Someone needs to approach a major network with something strange and out-there and maybe it will reel me back into watching television. Another thing there seems to be lot of are shows about American high schools. It seems school kids these days spend their time either having sex or singing, which leads me into today's topic - why America is the world's worst fucking place to be educated.
The TV is sugar coating everything, and by that I mean they like to tell their audience how exciting school is, while subtly sweeping under the table things like bullying, bad teaching and whatever other problems there are. And before you say anything, I know this stuff happens here and in other countries besides the USA. I know America has some great schools. I know there probably is a lot of sex and singing and dancing. But after reading about how kids kill themselves because they're targeted by bullies from the first day of school and eventually have had enough, or how the parents try to approach their son/daughter's school about the problem only to be shrugged at and told "shit happens", I'm starting to wonder whether I've stumbled back in time to Sparta or some place where they used to throw babies off cliffs if they were born with defects. Except outside of that terrible movie with Carmen Elektra I'm pretty sure Spartans didn't have the internet, so the example is bad.
But what I'm saying is that even with its weird rules and old-fashioned atmosphere, my school still realised you're not supposed to sit back and let kids tear each other apart because that's how life works. Teachers were required to step in if they saw something horrible going on in the schoolyard. Certain American schools seem to think bullying is a natural part of life. But in life there are things called laws that govern people's behaviour. If I walked into work next week and slammed a co-worker's head repeatedly against the chip station, chances are there would probably be consequences, or at the very least an intervention from the manager, or the shopping centre security staff, or the police.
Children don't have to get away with harming other children because that's just how the world is and far be it for the adults to step in and stop it.
I'm all worked up because I was bored and stumbled on the trailer for that documentary Bully. I was like, what is this? A child committed suicide because of bullying? Has it really come to this or was he just very very sensitive to teasing? So I looked him up and read some news stories about how he hanged himself because he was bullied for years until his parents said he was just a "shell" of his former self, and how the next day the bullies were supposedly walking around school, mocking his death by wearing nooses around their necks while the teachers probably stood by chortling and muttering "boys will be boys..." It just seems a little bit wrong to me.
Anyway I'm writing this novel of a blog post because I'm supposed to be patching up that monologue I talked about a couple of weeks ago so it can be read to a room full of artsy people on Performance Night. But get this - we're not actually being marked on performance, we're being marked on the quality of the written stuff. So really it should be called Reading Night because that's all we'll be doing. What really blows is that there won't be any alcohol. I'm going to have to find a way to do this sober. Oh woe is me. But I can't really complain, can I, because I'm not a bully victim. If you are, take your house/car key (like I was saying before with muggers) and jam it between their eye and its socket. The next step is to use the key as a sort of lever... well you get the idea. Just fuck up his/her day is what I'm saying. But to be fair that's a last resort, to be used if the primary tactic doesn't work. The primary tactic is to make yourself unbullyable. It's hard but some people are just too boring to bully. If you can be one of those people then you might have a chance.
The TV is sugar coating everything, and by that I mean they like to tell their audience how exciting school is, while subtly sweeping under the table things like bullying, bad teaching and whatever other problems there are. And before you say anything, I know this stuff happens here and in other countries besides the USA. I know America has some great schools. I know there probably is a lot of sex and singing and dancing. But after reading about how kids kill themselves because they're targeted by bullies from the first day of school and eventually have had enough, or how the parents try to approach their son/daughter's school about the problem only to be shrugged at and told "shit happens", I'm starting to wonder whether I've stumbled back in time to Sparta or some place where they used to throw babies off cliffs if they were born with defects. Except outside of that terrible movie with Carmen Elektra I'm pretty sure Spartans didn't have the internet, so the example is bad.
But what I'm saying is that even with its weird rules and old-fashioned atmosphere, my school still realised you're not supposed to sit back and let kids tear each other apart because that's how life works. Teachers were required to step in if they saw something horrible going on in the schoolyard. Certain American schools seem to think bullying is a natural part of life. But in life there are things called laws that govern people's behaviour. If I walked into work next week and slammed a co-worker's head repeatedly against the chip station, chances are there would probably be consequences, or at the very least an intervention from the manager, or the shopping centre security staff, or the police.
Children don't have to get away with harming other children because that's just how the world is and far be it for the adults to step in and stop it.
I'm all worked up because I was bored and stumbled on the trailer for that documentary Bully. I was like, what is this? A child committed suicide because of bullying? Has it really come to this or was he just very very sensitive to teasing? So I looked him up and read some news stories about how he hanged himself because he was bullied for years until his parents said he was just a "shell" of his former self, and how the next day the bullies were supposedly walking around school, mocking his death by wearing nooses around their necks while the teachers probably stood by chortling and muttering "boys will be boys..." It just seems a little bit wrong to me.
Anyway I'm writing this novel of a blog post because I'm supposed to be patching up that monologue I talked about a couple of weeks ago so it can be read to a room full of artsy people on Performance Night. But get this - we're not actually being marked on performance, we're being marked on the quality of the written stuff. So really it should be called Reading Night because that's all we'll be doing. What really blows is that there won't be any alcohol. I'm going to have to find a way to do this sober. Oh woe is me. But I can't really complain, can I, because I'm not a bully victim. If you are, take your house/car key (like I was saying before with muggers) and jam it between their eye and its socket. The next step is to use the key as a sort of lever... well you get the idea. Just fuck up his/her day is what I'm saying. But to be fair that's a last resort, to be used if the primary tactic doesn't work. The primary tactic is to make yourself unbullyable. It's hard but some people are just too boring to bully. If you can be one of those people then you might have a chance.
Thursday, 17 May 2012
The Iron Lady (is in my digestive system)
Today in Script for Performance we had a discussion about videogames.
I know, right.
It was more exciting than when Neo was trapped on that speeding bus with Sandra Bullock in the Lakehouse. It was a riveting conversation. We started off talking about how scripts work in games, and by the end of it we were talking about which games have the best graphics, which cheats to use, who had the best kill streak in Call of Duty... Anyway today's post is about Ebay. I've noticed a lot of weird stuff being auctioned off and my favourite has to be someone's air guitar. The seller generously answered questions about what type of guitar it was and everything; whether it could be played left handed, whether it came with air strings. The photo captured the condition of the air guitar in perfect detail. I could tell just by looking at it that it would need a restring before I could start playing it. I'm currently the highest bidder because my air guitar broke after I dropped it.
However I could be in the running to walk away with at least ten grand after selling what I found this morning. I was sitting in my law lecture, bored shitless and devouring popcorn when I noticed one of the pieces was shaped like Margeret Thatcher's head. I'm going to be rich!
I'm just kidding...
...I ate it...
I know, right.
It was more exciting than when Neo was trapped on that speeding bus with Sandra Bullock in the Lakehouse. It was a riveting conversation. We started off talking about how scripts work in games, and by the end of it we were talking about which games have the best graphics, which cheats to use, who had the best kill streak in Call of Duty... Anyway today's post is about Ebay. I've noticed a lot of weird stuff being auctioned off and my favourite has to be someone's air guitar. The seller generously answered questions about what type of guitar it was and everything; whether it could be played left handed, whether it came with air strings. The photo captured the condition of the air guitar in perfect detail. I could tell just by looking at it that it would need a restring before I could start playing it. I'm currently the highest bidder because my air guitar broke after I dropped it.
However I could be in the running to walk away with at least ten grand after selling what I found this morning. I was sitting in my law lecture, bored shitless and devouring popcorn when I noticed one of the pieces was shaped like Margeret Thatcher's head. I'm going to be rich!
I'm just kidding...
...I ate it...
Sunday, 13 May 2012
Totalitarian Utilitarian Theological Philosophistology
Okay, so here's something to share with you. I was watching Cracked videos the other day and I came across their take on what has to be the most rewatchable video on Youtube. It is to me, at least. Here is the original clip.
If there's one thing I hate it's pretentiousness; pretentious people and pretentious intellectualism.This guy thinks he's a philosopher(ist?), but comes across as a wanker. There are two main reasons I can't stop watching this fucking hilarious video. Firstly, it's his accent, and secondly it's the way he describes his band as a "Christian, alternative, progressive band", talking about his music like it will give you spiritual enlightenment. I had a bit of a listen. Not only is it garbage but it's just a metal band. Even if I wanted the kind of experience you think your music can "show" me, I'd be better off getting high and listening to Pink Floyd, or some of the weirder Beatles songs.
What also amazes me is how someone can be such a hipstery wanker without any sense of irony. At first I thought maybe it was a joke, but given how serious Philosophist takes themselves on their MySpace page I think it might be for real, which is quite scary. This guy, who calls himself John Shakespeare as a subtle hint at how much of a talented poet he clearly is, also reminds me a lot of those European long-haired blonde guys from Family Guy. You know, those guys who are like "I wuz going to bong my gerlfreend but she said there wuz nore weehh".
Anyway, I'm going to start my own band. We're a progressive, Satanic, buddhist, deathcore, grindcore, punk, post-jazz dubstep, classical, baroque, African, tribal, drum and bass, trance, alternative, britpop, indie, motown, funk, soul, nintendocore, thrash metal, softrock, neo-folk, pop-grunge, synth-al capella, nursery rhyme, ambient, minimalist, emo, piano rock, electronic-trombone, shoe-gazing, brass ensemble, church choir, children's music, rock n' roll nine-piece boy band.
We'll call ourselves "Monarchs of Leonard", and our first hit single will be called "Your Intercourse is Aflame".
Also we'll be philosophical and wear sunglasses and have a conspicuous cold sore.
And if you're interested in seeing what Cracked has to say about this video, which I would imagine is infinitely more interesting than what I have to say, the video is called "Why Hipster Bands Shouldn't be Allowed to Use Youtube".
The Avengers
The first...I don't know...twenty minutes of this movie shat me, because it felt like they'd hired a teenage boy to write the movie. Robin from How I Met Your Mother was shooting at an invincible alien inside a secret base slowly imploding because of some kind of energy cube. I just didn't give a shit and to be honest I felt like such an old man shuffling in my seat and wondering how movies have become this silly. Also at this point they assume you've seen the five movies (or how ever many there are) which set up this one. So I was like who is this scientist guy, who is this alien with a sceptre? What is this blue cube and why is it such a big deal to the characters? Why is Samuel L. Jackson wearing an eyepatch? What is this secret base for and who are the people working here? What is Robin from How I Met Your Mother doing in this movie? I was very bored.
However.
HOWEVER!!!!!
As soon as the title popped up the movie became awesome. Why? Because Hulk/Captain America/Iron Man/Scarlett Johanssen's hotness, that's why. Also the longhaired guy with the hammer. The screenplay rocks as well. I don't know much about the guy who wrote it, just some unknown called Joss Whedon, no one spectacular. You've probably never heard of him, he doesn't have many popular TV shows or films to his name. But whoever this nobody is he's managed to make a movie full of superheroes where each one gets an equal share of the screen time. No one is underused, no one is overshadowed by anyone else. Everyone plays a big part and everyone gets to be awesome in their own unique way.
One thing I find weird though is the bad guy. He just wasn't evil. I don't care what you say about how much of a villain he is, he just isn't bad enough. He's misguided at best and here's why:
a) He only manages to kill like one person. He tries to kill others but always fails. I get that this is a family friendly kind of movie but this guy seemed almost reluctant to kill people.
b) The only person I can think of who he does manage to kill was in self defence anyway because the guy was pointing some sort of gun at him.
c) He's just too likeable. He has a lot of funny moments and he's often hilariously incompetent at doing evil things. He's cute. If anything.
But overall this movie rocks and the last half and hour or so are pure awesome. This movie also made me like Captain America and Thor. Now I want a hammer and shield like those guys have. Seriously, who needs anything else when you have a goddam hammer!
Finally, I should probably praise Mark Ruffalo on being the best Hulk out of all the people who have so far played the Hulk. He brought a kind of rehearsed serenity to the role of Bruce Bana, which you would expect of someone desperately trying to stop themselves from changing into a giant angry beast. Top performance.
Top movie.
However.
HOWEVER!!!!!
As soon as the title popped up the movie became awesome. Why? Because Hulk/Captain America/Iron Man/Scarlett Johanssen's hotness, that's why. Also the longhaired guy with the hammer. The screenplay rocks as well. I don't know much about the guy who wrote it, just some unknown called Joss Whedon, no one spectacular. You've probably never heard of him, he doesn't have many popular TV shows or films to his name. But whoever this nobody is he's managed to make a movie full of superheroes where each one gets an equal share of the screen time. No one is underused, no one is overshadowed by anyone else. Everyone plays a big part and everyone gets to be awesome in their own unique way.
One thing I find weird though is the bad guy. He just wasn't evil. I don't care what you say about how much of a villain he is, he just isn't bad enough. He's misguided at best and here's why:
a) He only manages to kill like one person. He tries to kill others but always fails. I get that this is a family friendly kind of movie but this guy seemed almost reluctant to kill people.
b) The only person I can think of who he does manage to kill was in self defence anyway because the guy was pointing some sort of gun at him.
c) He's just too likeable. He has a lot of funny moments and he's often hilariously incompetent at doing evil things. He's cute. If anything.
But overall this movie rocks and the last half and hour or so are pure awesome. This movie also made me like Captain America and Thor. Now I want a hammer and shield like those guys have. Seriously, who needs anything else when you have a goddam hammer!
Finally, I should probably praise Mark Ruffalo on being the best Hulk out of all the people who have so far played the Hulk. He brought a kind of rehearsed serenity to the role of Bruce Bana, which you would expect of someone desperately trying to stop themselves from changing into a giant angry beast. Top performance.
Top movie.
Thursday, 10 May 2012
Watery Shenanigans
It's fun to be ironically controversial. A good crack about women and feminism, or even just a casual Holocaust joke can be very cathartic (don't worry I never make fun of the Holocaust - everything else gets a mention though). It's always good to remind women that they couldn't always vote in a mock mysognistic way, or ask for a sandwich etc. But it can also be taken the wrong way. The other day at work I had to run out back because every single female in the store got fed up and started throwing corn chips at me. Maybe my sense of humour needs a re-tool.
Anyway, yesterday I went to that science cruise party I mentioned in an earlier post. It was awesome. Drinks were dirt cheap which is actually pretty dangerous, especially considering we were on a body of water with nothing but a waist-high rail to protect us from icy death. But I don't think anyone died. I wanted to reenact the famous scene from Titanic because when you're on a boat it's like "why the hell not!" but someone got in trouble from the Captain for doing that exact thing so I'm glad my friends and I couldn't decide who was going to be Rose and who was going to be Jack. I did manage to shout "iceberg!"every ten minutes just to freak people out. But even when they're drunk, people are still smart enough to realise it's unlikely for there to be chunks of ice sitting in Port Philip Bay.
Next time I go to a fancy dress party I need to dress up as a security guard. I saw a bunch of them cutting through the bar queue to get to the kitchen, or galley, or whatever, and it made me feel very inadequate in my jumbo afro and barely-sticky fake moustache. I actually complimented one of them on his excellent choice of costume, praising his ability to secure quick beverages despite the chaotic scrum of cats, devils, mariachis, pikachus, pirates, Wiggles and dinosaurs. He looked at me like I was an idiot which is fair enough because I am, and thanked me gruffly.
I'm surprised no one got seasick or dangerously hammered or a combination of the two. It should have been raining vomit at that party.
Good times, though. Good times.
Anyway, yesterday I went to that science cruise party I mentioned in an earlier post. It was awesome. Drinks were dirt cheap which is actually pretty dangerous, especially considering we were on a body of water with nothing but a waist-high rail to protect us from icy death. But I don't think anyone died. I wanted to reenact the famous scene from Titanic because when you're on a boat it's like "why the hell not!" but someone got in trouble from the Captain for doing that exact thing so I'm glad my friends and I couldn't decide who was going to be Rose and who was going to be Jack. I did manage to shout "iceberg!"every ten minutes just to freak people out. But even when they're drunk, people are still smart enough to realise it's unlikely for there to be chunks of ice sitting in Port Philip Bay.
Next time I go to a fancy dress party I need to dress up as a security guard. I saw a bunch of them cutting through the bar queue to get to the kitchen, or galley, or whatever, and it made me feel very inadequate in my jumbo afro and barely-sticky fake moustache. I actually complimented one of them on his excellent choice of costume, praising his ability to secure quick beverages despite the chaotic scrum of cats, devils, mariachis, pikachus, pirates, Wiggles and dinosaurs. He looked at me like I was an idiot which is fair enough because I am, and thanked me gruffly.
I'm surprised no one got seasick or dangerously hammered or a combination of the two. It should have been raining vomit at that party.
Good times, though. Good times.
Saturday, 5 May 2012
No Russian
I'm not a huge videogame fan, but the other day I was watching someone play Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3 on Youtube instead of, I dunno, having a life. In the middle of all the explosions and gunfire it cut to a scene of someone filming their wife and daughter having fun in London when a car bomb suddenly blows everyone sky high. Who the hell thought that would be something anyone would want to see? I've heard you can change the settings to cut out "offensive content". But still it's like the people who make these games think no one will play them unless they're controversial. There was another part in another game where you shoot civilians at an airport, but that was more fun because most of it was killing security guards and people with riot shields and you could actually take part, rather than simply watching someone die horrribly. But to all those parents who get all pissed off because their kids are shooting people, don't buy them a game called Modern Warfare with a picture of an armed soldier on the front. Chances are there will be guns in the game and those guns will be fired at people.
Friday, 4 May 2012
Sunshine
Sunshine is that film where the Sun is dying and they send a team of scientists and astronauts to reignite it with a giant bomb. I remember seeing it in the cinema when it first came out and loving it. But it's been a while since I watched the whole thing; some of it was on TV a few months ago and I caught the ending plus a few other scenes here and there but that's it. It's visually stunning and it has one of the best soundtracks I've ever heard. It was also directed by Danny Boyle, the guy responsible for movies like Trainspotting and 28 Days later. I only bring it up because there are some things about it that still really bug me.
How the flying #$%@ were they able to enter the Sun? How for that matter were they able to even get close to it? Their ship has a heat shield which seems to be made out of some kind of super-reflective material while everything else is just stuck to the back of it. At such a close distance, wouldn't the entire vessel just melt. I get that Earth has spent all of its resources and money building this thing and that if it fails then they'd be shit out of luck, but I don't understand how any amount or combination of Earth's resources would ever be able to take on the Sun when Earth itself supposedly won't stand a chance in a few billion years when the Sun decides to go red giant and swallow us up. Also bear in mind that they explain how this is the second attempt at reigniting the Sun. The first ship disappeared out in the middle of nowhere, which means that everything used for the second mission is just the leftovers from building the first.
What really bugs me though is how after (spoiler alert) the shield disintergrates, the remaining characters enter some kind of freefall into the heart of the Sun inside the bomb which for some reason is still intact. Is it colder inside the Sun or something? And how come when the hull breaks open the physicist guy doesn't die instantly? Also how is he able to like reach out and touch the Sun and why does that fireball stop right in front of him? They were talking about how space and time break down because of the extreme gravity at the centre of the Sun, but he's still moving around and looking awestruck during this strange event and for some reason he isn't even blinded? What the fuck?
Good movie though.
How the flying #$%@ were they able to enter the Sun? How for that matter were they able to even get close to it? Their ship has a heat shield which seems to be made out of some kind of super-reflective material while everything else is just stuck to the back of it. At such a close distance, wouldn't the entire vessel just melt. I get that Earth has spent all of its resources and money building this thing and that if it fails then they'd be shit out of luck, but I don't understand how any amount or combination of Earth's resources would ever be able to take on the Sun when Earth itself supposedly won't stand a chance in a few billion years when the Sun decides to go red giant and swallow us up. Also bear in mind that they explain how this is the second attempt at reigniting the Sun. The first ship disappeared out in the middle of nowhere, which means that everything used for the second mission is just the leftovers from building the first.
What really bugs me though is how after (spoiler alert) the shield disintergrates, the remaining characters enter some kind of freefall into the heart of the Sun inside the bomb which for some reason is still intact. Is it colder inside the Sun or something? And how come when the hull breaks open the physicist guy doesn't die instantly? Also how is he able to like reach out and touch the Sun and why does that fireball stop right in front of him? They were talking about how space and time break down because of the extreme gravity at the centre of the Sun, but he's still moving around and looking awestruck during this strange event and for some reason he isn't even blinded? What the fuck?
Good movie though.
Thursday, 3 May 2012
$$$
I had to workshop for Script for Performance last week. By that I mean I had to write something and let people tear it apart while I sat there, chewing my nails and thinking about running away. It was actually funny how many questions I got in the vein of "Am I right in thinking this symbolises... does this mean...?" And I was like "well fuck, probably!" because to be honest I spent about ten minutes on my monologue, which ended up being a guy talking about how he used to smoke weed and how he caused all this bad stuff to happen to this girl or something. I don't even know. But I had to explain myself, which meant pulling meaning out of my ass on the spot. Not fun. But I got a good enough mark so that's that.
So what's the deal with Centrelink? I don't get Youth allowance anymore, they sent me a letter last year happily telling me it got cancelled. So I went down there to ask why and they directed me to a phone. That's right - I went into a Centrelink office and they told me to call them from their office. God only knows who I talked to, probably someone within walking distance of the prehistoric wind-up dial phone they directed me to use. I bring this up only because it's so bizarre, and because someone mentioned Centrelink today and I was like hey, that sounds like a blog post! Another thing they do if you go into their office is they tell you to visit their website, and if you visit their website they tell you to go to their office. I think Centrelink might be run by those monkeys from Jumanji. At least it encourage people who are unemployed to get a job because that way they can pay them less and maybe give them an incentive to get off their asses and work.
Of course if they can't work for whatever reason then that's a different story.
Anyway Mother's Day is coming up. What about Son's Day? It's about time people bought me shit.
So what's the deal with Centrelink? I don't get Youth allowance anymore, they sent me a letter last year happily telling me it got cancelled. So I went down there to ask why and they directed me to a phone. That's right - I went into a Centrelink office and they told me to call them from their office. God only knows who I talked to, probably someone within walking distance of the prehistoric wind-up dial phone they directed me to use. I bring this up only because it's so bizarre, and because someone mentioned Centrelink today and I was like hey, that sounds like a blog post! Another thing they do if you go into their office is they tell you to visit their website, and if you visit their website they tell you to go to their office. I think Centrelink might be run by those monkeys from Jumanji. At least it encourage people who are unemployed to get a job because that way they can pay them less and maybe give them an incentive to get off their asses and work.
Of course if they can't work for whatever reason then that's a different story.
Anyway Mother's Day is coming up. What about Son's Day? It's about time people bought me shit.
Tuesday, 1 May 2012
7Mate
I went out drinking last night and because I got to the pub forty minutes before any of my friends due to circumstances beyond my control, I had plenty of time to kill. So do you know what I did? I picked a random direction and walked for twenty minutes. Then I walked back. Forty minutes were gone just like that. Isn't that exciting?
The truth is I have nothing to talk about. Nothing at all. Actually there is something. An idea for a segment on Better Homes and Gardens. It's all about how to turn everyday objects into deadly weapons, like MacGyver if he was a sociopath. For instance, the next time someone mugs you, take your credit card out of your wallet, snap it in half and slit your assailants throat with the jagged part. Alternatively you can jam your key into his eye and twist and...well yeah, he'd need medical attention.
If you've ever watched TV on a Friday night here in Victoria, then you'll know it's like they're trying to drive you out of your house and to the football or whatever. Seriously, Escape to the Country has to be the worst fucking idea for a television program ever conceived. Watching this abomination is like being dragged to an open house by your parents. It's literally just people looking at rooms, oohing and aahing and talking about how much space there is or what they would turn into a study/baby's room etc. The only way to cure such an infestation of boredom is to turn to 7Mate, where you have shows like "When Big Things Explode" and "When Shit Collides in Space" with a voiceover by some enthusiastic American dude. There used to be a show on, I don't know if it still is, where they had CGI animations of the amazing shit that takes place in outer space, accompanied by interviews with geeky scientists from the University of Nerd, Michigan or some such place. I genuinely miss it. I felt like I was getting dumber by the minute.
Because as I've said before, ignorance is bliss and anyone who says otherwise is just being ignorant about how blissful ignorance is. Stamp that on my grave when I kick the bucket.
That reminds me, all those websites that tell you when you're going to die say I've got at least a century left in me. That's how healthy and careful I am. Anyway I'm off to shoot heroine and tightrope between two skyscapers. See ya.
The truth is I have nothing to talk about. Nothing at all. Actually there is something. An idea for a segment on Better Homes and Gardens. It's all about how to turn everyday objects into deadly weapons, like MacGyver if he was a sociopath. For instance, the next time someone mugs you, take your credit card out of your wallet, snap it in half and slit your assailants throat with the jagged part. Alternatively you can jam your key into his eye and twist and...well yeah, he'd need medical attention.
If you've ever watched TV on a Friday night here in Victoria, then you'll know it's like they're trying to drive you out of your house and to the football or whatever. Seriously, Escape to the Country has to be the worst fucking idea for a television program ever conceived. Watching this abomination is like being dragged to an open house by your parents. It's literally just people looking at rooms, oohing and aahing and talking about how much space there is or what they would turn into a study/baby's room etc. The only way to cure such an infestation of boredom is to turn to 7Mate, where you have shows like "When Big Things Explode" and "When Shit Collides in Space" with a voiceover by some enthusiastic American dude. There used to be a show on, I don't know if it still is, where they had CGI animations of the amazing shit that takes place in outer space, accompanied by interviews with geeky scientists from the University of Nerd, Michigan or some such place. I genuinely miss it. I felt like I was getting dumber by the minute.
Because as I've said before, ignorance is bliss and anyone who says otherwise is just being ignorant about how blissful ignorance is. Stamp that on my grave when I kick the bucket.
That reminds me, all those websites that tell you when you're going to die say I've got at least a century left in me. That's how healthy and careful I am. Anyway I'm off to shoot heroine and tightrope between two skyscapers. See ya.
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