7Mate

I went out drinking last night and because I got to the pub forty minutes before any of my friends due to circumstances beyond my control, I had plenty of time to kill. So do you know what I did? I picked a random direction and walked for twenty minutes. Then I walked back. Forty minutes were gone just like that. Isn't that exciting?

The truth is I have nothing to talk about. Nothing at all. Actually there is something. An idea for a segment on Better Homes and Gardens. It's all about how to turn everyday objects into deadly weapons, like MacGyver if he was a sociopath. For instance, the next time someone mugs you, take your credit card out of your wallet, snap it in half and slit your assailants throat with the jagged part. Alternatively you can jam your key into his eye and twist and...well yeah, he'd need medical attention.

If you've ever watched TV on a Friday night here in Victoria, then you'll know it's like they're trying to drive you out of your house and to the football or whatever. Seriously, Escape to the Country has to be the worst fucking idea for a television program ever conceived. Watching this abomination is like being dragged to an open house by your parents. It's literally just people looking at rooms, oohing and aahing and talking about how much space there is or what they would turn into a study/baby's room etc. The only way to cure such an infestation of boredom is to turn to 7Mate, where you have shows like "When Big Things Explode" and "When Shit Collides in Space" with a voiceover by some enthusiastic American dude. There used to be a show on, I don't know if it still is, where they had CGI animations of the amazing shit that takes place in outer space, accompanied by interviews with geeky scientists from the University of Nerd, Michigan or some such place. I genuinely miss it. I felt like I was getting dumber by the minute.

Because as I've said before, ignorance is bliss and anyone who says otherwise is just being ignorant about how blissful ignorance is. Stamp that on my grave when I kick the bucket.

That reminds me, all those websites that tell you when you're going to die say I've got at least a century left in me. That's how healthy and careful I am. Anyway I'm off to shoot heroine and tightrope between two skyscapers. See ya.