Holiday Hot Spots

There is no skin left on my hands. I must have spent the better part of yesterday putting a chest of drawers together. But funnily enough, even with its many strange symbols and often ambiguous diagrams, the instruction manual was so much easier to navigate than the fucking labrynth that is IKEA. It took me while and there was one part where I was trying to put this one bit in which just wouldn't budge, but in the end I got all the proper bits in all the right places and now I've got a fully functioning, sophisticated looking, office-quality chest next to my desk. It even has a combination lock on it which is surprisingly simple to operate. I thought I'd have to call Hugo to come and help. You know, the little French kid with the British accent who builds robots and lives in a giant clock above a train station? Did anyone see that movie? Because I heard it won a whole bunch of awards and...well never mind.

So anywayzzz, yesterday I put up a rant about pokemon and apparently everyone and his dog read it because I came back later and I had about five times as many views as I would normally get in a day. Everyone loves pokemon. Even the people who hate everything else love pokemon. In fact the only people I can think of who would even dare to dislike pokemon are the older generations who grew up on backyard cricket and riding their bikes to haunted mansions. Those people can see how videogames are ruining the world because they know better and we don't. But ignorance is bliss and anyone who says otherwise is just being ignorant about how blissful ignorance is.

Even so, those respectable old farts are right - videogames are destroying the world and turning everyone into introverted, hunchbacked mutant people. The internet and TV are also to blame. So for the purpose of getting people outside into the fresh air, here are some great holiday destinations.

Iraq
I hear there's been a lot of fighting there of late. So bring a gun. It's quite exciting though, kind of like an action movie with all those explosions and gunfire. The food is generally good, but depending on where you are you might have to pick a few body parts out of it. Iraq can be such a fulfilling experience that you may find yourself extending your stay, especially if you get kidnapped. The great thing about staying there long term, however, is that you can rent a half house for pretty cheap. Although since it's literally half a house you may have to do a bit of rebuilding work.
Activities: Public suicide bombings. Live beheadings.

Heathrow Airport
This place is more of a maze than IKEA. You actually have to catch a taxi from one end of a terminal to the other and no one who works there speaks English. Like most airports the whole place reeks of sweat and exhaustion but like most aiports it also boasts a variety of good bars, cafes and zillions of bathrooms. It's the perfect holiday for the kids if you're the world's stingiest parent.
Activities: Watching planes take off. Watching kids have tantrums.

Ross Ice Shelf
I'm so big they named the biggest Antartic ice shelf after me. There's not much to do there but at least you'll have a place to put your books...lol...
Activities: Glacier rides: $55 per thousandth of an inch.

The Island from Lost
You won't need to bring much. It seems the only way you can get there is by crashing so listen carefully to the flight attendant's safety demonstration/interpretive dance thing they do before you take off. Nevertheless the island is a great family destination with plenty of things the kids can enjoy, like a giant stone foot and an old shipwreck which for some reason is in the middle of the jungle. Watch out for the evil pillar of smoke though, because it's been known to eat people. There are also stray polar bears and a haunted cabin.
Activities: Drinking Dharma beer. Playing with volatile explosives. Wondering what the fuck is going on for six seasons.

So there you go. There's a whole world out there and it really is an amazing place. Alternatively you could just put down your DS and go for a walk you lazy twit.

The end.